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Lyrics Page
Something to Sell at My Gigs! Aren't you thrilled? | ||
BABY BOOMER It's Friday night again and here we are I'm staring at this girl across the bar I only wish that she could see I'm twice the man I was at 23 Sometimes I don't know why I bother I'm old enough to be her fffff…… older brother I ain't getting old It's just a rumor That's what I've been told 'Cause I'm a Baby Boomer And baby boomers never age They just turn a page Just turn a page High School reunion, 20 years The guys all look like "Norm" from "Cheers" Talked to some guy I didn't know Still I tried to have a good time, though But all the ladies I once lusted Had all gone grey and saggy bu….. in the eyelids I ain't changed at all Still have a sense of humor Having me a ball 'Cause I'm a baby boomer And baby boomers don't go gray Or go away We won't go away Baby Boomers invented youth Ask any one of us, it's the truth Baby Boomers invented sex Who knows what we'll think of next? We all drank from that "60s" cup And we ain't gonna give it up When we were young we owned the land Walked without sunscreen on the sand Made love to everything that moved It didn't matter, we were in the groove But now my body has an answer This mark upon my skin is c-c-…. interesting It's a brand new mole It can't be a tumor That's what I've been told 'Cause I'm a baby boomer And baby boomers never die We just deny We just deny We just deny |
FIRST HOUSE We unloaded the bed frame right off of the truck Up two flights of stairs with the mattress, good luck Now sheets and the pillows, I'll help with the tuck Let's call it a bedroom and get down and... Finally admit that we're moved in Finally admit there's a home of our own Finally admit that we're moved in What a glorious feeling to have your own home There's still more to do so it's back to the truck Get help with the couch from your big brother Chuck There's room on the mantle for the ceramic duck Right over the fireplace where we can… Now into the kitchen so off of the truck Come dishes and glasses but I think we're stuck 'Cause the movers included a loose hockey puck Thank god for insurance now there's time to … I can't think of nothing I'd rather be doing. Not paying some landlord to be up in bed screaming At neighbors through paper-thin walls, it's the pits And that pervert next door who kept staring at your terrier Well we've unloaded everything off of the truck We both need a shower, we're covered in muck And the movers are mad, 'cause I tipped them a buck But I don't really care and I told 'em to… |
VERY SHORT BOOKS Well I’m the kind of guy who likes to read But I just don’t have what a guy really needs To get into a book of any great length Like six free hours and upper arm strength So when I get a hankerin’ I go take a look at My very big shelf of very short books, Like… Superstar Midgets of the NBA Computer Games that People Over 40 Can Play Politicians Who Did What They Said They Would And Stephen King Stories That Are Actually Good Things Women Do That a Man Understands And the History of Sri Lankan Bluegrass Bands (CHORUS) These are very short books Up on my shelf Very short books Coulda wrote 'em myself. You oughta come up and take a look You always have time for a very short book There’s the W.C. Fields Temperance Guide Sex positions Mormons Like To Do Outside Lawyers You Don’t Want To Kill Right Away Female Impersonators Who Ain't Gay The Wit and Wisdom of Donald Duck And Songs By the Beatles That Frankly, Suck There’s the John DeLorean Guide to Success The Sensitive Side of Rudolf Hess Kenny G Solos That Have No Sax Willie Nelson’s Guide to Paying Income Tax Infomercial Guys Who Aren’t In It for the Money, and People Who Think My Songs Are Funny |
| CATHOLIC GUILT You came to my place You played your guitar When it was over we walked to your car I gave you a hug and a friendly goodnight I tried to let go but you held on tight I started feeling lucky and nervous as hell You looked in my eyes and you just said, "Well!" Part of me wanted to take you inside Another part of me said to let it ride I was high on a self-esteem ladder when I felt it wilt And I sent you on your way I was a victim of my Catholic guilt Catholic guilt, it's true Once it has you in its grip Catholic guilt keep you From having a relationship Well I was talking to a girl and her boyfriend one night It was a college party, we felt all right I was ready to go, it was quarter to four They said there's plenty of room, you can sleep on the floor I could tell by their eyes neither was tired It wasn't sleep it was ME they desired My mind filled up with incredible scenes Like you read about in Penthouse Magazine It was a fantasy come true that my mind had built But I went home alone, I was a victim of my Catholic Guilt Catholic Guilt, I know Was given to me by some nun Catholic Guilt keeps you From getting into too much fun "Do you know why guitars are shaped like a body?" That's what she asked me when I met her at the party I was hired to play and sing for the folks She took a liking to me 'cause I told a few jokes Well I told her I knew; that's when she said, "Why don't you tell me about it in bed?" I was ready, able, raring to go My body said yes but my mind said no Then her boyfriend came I and he was taller Than "Wilt the Stilt" It was the one time I was happy for a little bit of Catholic Guilt Catholic Guilt, I know Can sometimes even save your life Catholic Guilt keeps you From having to explain it to your wife |
A PIERCING
SONG The girl at the shop has a ring through her lip Now she can't drink a thing without making it drip This guy's got a moon and a star in his nose And I don't wanna know how he goes cleaning those California to Pennsylvania This country's got a piercing mania But you ain't gonna get no pierce on me No, there ain't no piercin' me A pierced ear is one thing, it looks pretty nice But it starts getting crowded if it's done more than twice A ball through your tongue, now that's serious stuff It's for people who think that lip rings aren't enough And a stripper I know named "Arabia" Got three up both sides of her labia But you ain't gonna get no pierce on me There ain't no piercing me No hole in my navel for a big ruby There ain't no piercing me This upsurge in piercing has caused me to think That people are having just too much to drink They go to the bar just expecting to tipple And wake up next morning with bars through each nipple And a friend of mine went out drinking And got a ring through the head that does all of his thinking But you ain't gonna get no pierce on me No, there ain't no piercing me 'Cause I don't need a brand new way to pee There ain't no piercing me And what's with the eyebrows? I don't see. There ain't no piercing me You can have my turn. Take two. Take three. There ain't no piercing me | AOL I got home from work and poured myself a shooter Kicked off my shoes, sat down at my computer Checked into a chat room called "Lonely As Can Be" Got to talking to a lady who had her eye on me She was five feet four, so her profile said And she used to be married but now he was dead She liked God and kids, her hobbies were many I asked about her faults, she said she didn't have any Was it love? Was it lust? Was it hard to tell? When I met a woman on AOL We kept on meeting same place, same time Sharing cyber kisses, cyber vodkas and lime Our computer friends said we were meant for each other When I finally proposed I even asked her cyber mother The date was set for our computer wedding day We hired a cyber preacher who signed on from LA The bride said she wore white I wore a cyber tuxedo She could have been naked How the hell would I know? We cyber honeymooned in a room called "Bridal Suite" She lost her inhibitions, it was hard to just compete After daily loving sessions you can imagine what she did Nine months later she had our cyber kid Well I just wasn't ready for the new one to arrive And I began to wonder if the marriage would survive She started getting angry throwing cyber things around She must have broke something 'cause she e-mailed me the sound Well as you might imagine, we had to cyber split Our computer love was over, it was painful to admit I didn't want a hassle, didn't want to hold a grudge But she took me to the cleaners before the cyber judge She got every last thing from our so-called cyber life Every cyber fork and every cyber knife She got the cyber car, the cyber house the cyber dog and pony And I still have to pay her AOLimony |
| P.O.P. So many decisions a man makes in life What will he do? Will he take a wife? Of all these decisions, none seems more drastic than three little words: Paper or Plastic? Paper or Plastic What will it be? Neither is good environmentally One don't decay One kills a tree Paper or plastic is bothering me Plastic is good if there's not many things But take one sharp turn and you know what that brings The cans roll around and get under your feet And you drive like a maniac right down the street Paper is better; it holds up in turns But don't get it wet or you gonna get burned You'll pick up a big bag of ice cream one day And watch it go….as the bag tears away One day I went shopping with a canvas bag But after two rows it was really a drag The bag got weighed down and it broke the elastic The next week it was back to paper or plastic Someday when I pass off of this mortal coil Don't light a candle, don't burn the oil Please don't do anything iconoclastic Bury one half in paper and one half in plastic |
THE BEATLES
ARE WITCHES A man was out walking alone in the dark Evil and stalking around Friar Park The home of a Beatle, as tight as Fort Knox The guy used a needle to pick through the locks And armed with a knife he broke into the house Something was stirring, George said, "That ain't no mouse." "DIE BEATLE, DIE!" is what the man said, 'Til George's wife, she grabbed a lamp and konked him on the head George had a stab wound and his wife was in pain They called the police and the man was detained Down at the station, as wild as can be They asked him "why'd you do it?" And he said, "Doncha see?" The Beatles are Witches, they're all Satan's tools They're married to bitches who play them for fools They're bigger than Jesus and He said to me The Beatles are witches and this just can not be The other two Beatles were shocked of course Even Yoko called from across the pond, she screamed 'til she was hoarse Paul said, "Good God, man, we hope you're OK," And Yoko said... The press had a field day, though not much had happened They even tried to call and talk to Mark David Chapman They found the guy's mother. "He's crazy!" she cried "He tried to kill a Beatle and George almost died" Down at the station police had the man Locked up securely away in the can That's when his cell mate said, "Whatcha in for?" "I tried to kill a Beatle." And he said it once more... The Beatles are witches so something must give The bible says witches, well they just can not live If George and his coven had not kicked my ass I'd have shown him it's so true that all things must pass Olivia's better, and George is on the mend The loony's in prison so this is the end But children there's one thing that you must remember It's bad to be a Beatle in the month of December The Beatles aren't witches, they got no pointy hat I 'bout split my britches when I heard that And if they were witches, who cares? Not me. I'd say "happy solstice! Blessed Be!" |
INFOMERCIAL
MAN Hello there, you know me You see me on TV You watch my infomercials I’m as rich as I can be. Because I wrote a book And if you take a look I think that you'll discover that I’m nothing but a crook. My life was such a bitch Till one day I got rich I shot an infomercial called "Get rich without a hitch" That’s how it did begin The money’s rolling in I sell old information With a new exciting spin I’m known throughout the land As infomercial man When I go out in public they Applaud me where I stand My bills are paid it gets me laid My wife don’t understand The hazards of the business When you’re infomercial man. Yes one day I was broke A poor indigent bloke Destitute and bankrupt It was not some kind of joke My wife could really dance So I said take a chance She started making thousands Just by taking off her pants And while she did the strip And we lived off her tips I figured out some other ways To end up in the chips I wrote this TV show And books to sell you know And seventeen months later We were rolling in the dough For nineteen ninety five Every man alive Can buy my books and tapes On how to fiscally survive. It’s fairly plain to see My secret seems to be Write yourself a worthless book And sell it on TV And people just like you Will read it through and through They’ll see that it requires Biting more than they can chew. Then through that magic thing Called telemarketing I’ll sell them more than twice before The registers will ring One day when I was home And I was all alone A mad attorney general went And called me on the phone He said we hate your book You dirty little crook We must investigate you And you won’t get off the hook They tried and tried and tried To prove that I had lied But there was no evidence On hand they could provide To prove I was a sham A money making scam It’s the nature of the business When you’re infomercial man |
| I'M POSTING
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS Now, children Are killing children They’re shooting at each other every day. So I’m posting The Ten Commandments That’ll make all the guns go away I’m posting the Ten Commandments And the children will obey Our kids need the Ten Commandments Though I’m not really sure what they say I’m all for the first amendment It’s our religious freedom guarantee Never mind that the first amendment Negates commandments one and two and three I’m posting the Ten Commandments And the children will comply If they’re not Judeo-Christian They don’t count so who cares if they die? I’m all for the fifth commandment You shall not kill no matter what they say Unless you are in the army Or Charlton Heston says that it’s okay I’m posting the ten commandments Our kids need those stirring words And they all need semi-automatics For picking off those pesky hummingbirds Now the other 5 commandments Are good for kids to learn and to abide "I agree" said my latest mistress As we cheated on our taxes side by side I’m posting the Ten Commandments Even though they don’t work for me Who needs the Ten Commandments When you’re living in the land of Liberty? Thank God for this great democracy. We can live life in such hypocrisy Vote for me! |
All songs written by Tom Tuerff except for "Little Star
Treks," which has words by Tom Tuerff. Music: "Little Boxes" by
Malvina Reynolds. All songs ©2000 by Tuerff Productions, Inc. unless otherwise noted. |
LITTLE STAR
TREKS Words by Tom Tuerff; a parody of "Little Boxes" by Malvina Reynolds (Copyright 1962). To listen to "Little Star Treks", click here. Little Star Treks on my TV, little Star Treks are so ticky tacky, Little Star Treks, little Star Treks, little Star Treks all the same. There’s the "deep" one and the "next" one, And the good old Bill Shatner one, And they all look really ticky tacky, ‘cause they all look just the same And the captains on the Star Treks all rule with great efficiency. Balding captains, balding captains, although one wears a toupee. There’s the wigged one and the black one, And a refined old Englishman, and they all act really ticky tacky, ‘cause they all act just the same Now the captains on the Star Treks have added another one! Lady captain, woman captain, but a captain, just the same. So she looks rough and she talks tough, And she must not have any fun, 'cause the men acted really ticky tacky, And she must act just the same And the plot lines on the Star Treks all deal with blowing up the ship. Dopey plot lines, goofy plot lines, but they’re plot lines just the same. And the reason is the plot lines are written by the same three guys, And they all write really ticky tacky, And they all write just the same And the bad guys on the Star Treks wear prosthetic body parts, Scary bad guys, rubber bad guys, but they’re bad guys just the same. There’s the Klingon and Ferengi and sometimes a Romulan, And the spirit gum's really ticky tacky, though they don’t look quite the same |
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