Tom Tuerff's Complete, Total, 100% Wacko Lyrics for But Wait, There's More!


Lyrics Page Lyrics for Tom Tuerff's latest foray into musical bankruptcy: But Wait...There's More!

CATCH PHRASES Every generation has its own catch phrase That makes you think of your younger days In the 60s everybody said things like “groovy!” In every record and every movie But there's a phrase that they say today I can't wait till it goes away… I could tell you but I'd have to kill you I'd like to kill the guy who thinks that's funny If I told you I'd have to kill you It's one catch phrase we can live without, honey The 70s came and we were doin' all right Till everybody started sayin' DYNOMITE! Then Fonzie came around and that was okay Till everybody started walking 'round going, 'eyyyyy… But ask anyone how they're doing today And that SOB is likely to say… I could tell you but I'd have to kill you That's one you can put away forever If I told you I'd have to kill you When is it appropriate? How about never? But there's one catch phrase that's even worse That's why I saved it for this very last verse I know I've said it and you have too Even though you didn't mean it, it snuck on through It's insincere and it's really dumb Plug your ears up, cause here it comes…Wait… If I told you, you'd have to kill me You never wanna hear this dumb catch phrase again If I told you, you'd have to kill me So this is where this song is going to end Do you really wanna hear it? Okay… Have a nice daaaaaay! Buh-bye.	CLERICAL ERROR Now here's a story About reverend Brown The only preacher In a one-church down Preparing for a funeral One fine day Thinking all about what He was gonna say Went over his notes He said them out loud And he thought that the dead man Would have been proud But there was one thing He'd overlooked It seems the chapel Was already booked Six months before His friend Mr. Lee Announced the engagement Of his daughter Marie He bumped into the preacher And the date was set He said he'd write it down And he wouldn't forget But that day was long He was preoccupied So he never booked the church And then this old man died So when he pulled up To the old church yard Everybody was lookin' at him Really hard. Well the old man's mourners Were the first to complain But the wedding couldn't wait 'cause they had to catch a plane So the Rev did the only thing That he could've done That would make things right And fair for everyone He said “I made a mistake I admit that it's mine We're just gonna have to do 'em both at the same time. Everybody gasped Then they said “why not?” 'cause time is a wastin' and it's getting hot So they rolled in the coffin From the hearse outside While the organist played “Here Comes the Bride” A flower girl dropped Pretty petals from a basket Followed by six strong Men with the casket Then came the groom Then came his wife A strange ceremony Of the stages of life The dearly beloved And the dearly departed One life finished and Another life started So reverend Brown said “I'd just like to say that I think the deceased would have really liked today. To see this fine couple Bound by the heart And he's sending them a message Till death do they part Then the rings were exchanged They were Mr. and Mrs. In respect for the dead There were no wet kisses At the wake and reception Everybody was proud And they all celebrated They just weren't very loud Then they rolled out the coffin To the hearse outside And they all threw rice At the groom and the bride Then they tied tin cans To the limo from behind Tied a few on the hearse 'Cause they knew he wouldn't mind They followed the hearse Till they got to the grave Then the couple said goodbye And everybody waved Sign on the car Said “Just Married” Sign at the grave Said, “Just Buried”	MY F-HOLE by Tom Tuerff and Dell Owens I'm really proud of my F-Hole I keep it tidy and clean When people look at my F-Hole They say it's the cleanest they've seen I'm really fond of my F-hole It's really a beautiful thing It's loud as a canyon It wails with abandon And helps cover up when I sing I take it to the beach I take it to the snow I take it with me everywhere I go Sometimes I play fast Sometimes soft and slow Sometimes I rare back and just let one go like this… My F-Hole is big and brown Like any good F-Hole should be My F-Hole has been making noise About 20 years longer than me My F-Hole reminds me of happier times When F-Holes were easy to see Now people say When you go 'round today There ain't no bigger F-Hole than me The stuff that comes out of my F-Hole Is enough to make folks turn their heads Some say it's folky Some say it's bluesy Some say it's funky instead Folks are just lovin' my F-Hole They think that it's all the rage Folks get surprised Get really big eyes When I whip out my F-Hole on stage I take it to the beach I take it to the snow I take it with me everywhere I go And when you come to see me play You're gonna know There's a great big F-Hole at the Tom Tuerff show
FOLKIN' UP I'm a folk singer I write the songs that make the whole world Avoid me I sing of places that you've never heard of And a guy in a bar once who really annoyed me I haven't hit a high note in years and if you think that's bad Wait Til I've had a beer I'm a big loser If I didn't come here nobody would miss me Beggars can't be choosers But I wish that I could get a groupie to kiss me I know I'm not attractive or sporty But give me a break In two days I'll be forty So Hey! Hey! Get out of the way! There's a big open mike in a bar here today And when I stop playing they'll put me away In that closet over there on the right I'm Pickin' I'm Grinnin' and I'm folkin' up Your Saturday night I will never forget playing “Alice's Restaurant” With Arlo himself sitting there at the bar He took out his wallet and said, “What do you want To separate you from that crummy guitar?” I go on nightly After everyone's done and the bar's full of drunkies I sit politely Through some jerk in a hat who thinks he's one of the Monkees And when I start to sing heed my warning I'm not gonna stop till it's four in the morning	GOOD ENOUGH FOR GUYS You tell me that I'm not observant Just because I never notice all the changes That you make around the place Just because it took me six long months to notice That you'd knocked a bedroom wall out And bought furniture to compliment the space Why does it matter that I didn't see? I guess it don't mean that much to me So if you think six months is too much time For me to notice changes, well, surprise… It's good enough for guys You're always on me 'cause you say I never have Known your eye color Whether your big eyes are brown or if they're blue Or if they're green or if they're violet or if they're rather black or grey or hazel Or maybe some combination of two Well you can take back all that you said They're mostly white with lines of red Especially when you're mad so just calm down At least I know that you have eyes And that's good enough for guys At least I remember the wedding I think I got that one right I was the drunk in the tuxedo I'm pretty sure that you wore white Don't say I don't remember your birthday I know you have one each year Why should I know what the date is when You always tell me when it's here So don't say that I never notice What you wear when we're in public Just because I can't recall just what you wore Or because you want another one just like it so You ask me where I bought it And the answer that I give you is “the store” It's not my problem, no not at all At least I know it was at some mall So even if I don't remember things At least I know you have a man who tries And that's good enough for guys	THAT FIDDLE AND BANJO CRAP I took a ride up to Telluride My little woman was by my side The biggest fest in the whole Southwest Bill Monroe was the Special Guest We pitched our tent and off we went To the big show I was yelling and screaming and clapping for more My wife was sitting and snoring and taking a nap, though And after three or four hours I asked what for She said, “I love you more than each day before But I really just can't take no more Of your fiddle and banjo crap Fiddle and Banjo crap I've had it here with that lonesome sound If there's one thing I don't wanna be around It's your fiddle and banjo crap Fiddle and Banjo crap That fiddle and your banjo” So we headed back 'cross the parking lot With tailgate pickers in every spot Of course I had to stop and play I stopped at five or six that day Then we asked the local yokels For a restaurant We settled on cuisine from Vietnam It was a cheap buffet where you could Eat all you want And up on their stage that night was a Bluegrass band She finally threw up both her hands And said, “let's go, I just can't stand This fiddle and banjo crap Fiddle and banjo crap The music ain't right for a place like this If there's one thing I'd rather miss It's your fiddle and banjo crap Fiddle and banjo crap That fiddle and your banjo” So we ditched the tent Found a room for rent The lovin' that night was heaven sent We took it slow Through the afterglow With Rock n Roll music on the radio Next morning, we went downstairs to Have a waffle Vassar Clements was across the room from me! I got his autograph on a napkin but I felt awful 'Cause when I got back my wife said angrily, “You gotta be outa your freakin' mind You can't go nowhere without bein' reminded of Fiddle and Banjo crap Fiddle and Banjo crap I'm never comin' to this place again I've had it to here with your bluegrass friends And your fiddle and banjo crap Fiddle and banjo crap Your fiddle and your banjo” She ran outa there And I followed my bride She drove like a bat outa Telluride She called me names I don't care to mention Said “Next year we're going to a Star Trek convention”
SUN CITY SINNERS Between the time you retire And the time you expire You got a lot of time To have fun And if the fun you have in mind Is of an amorous kind Then take the bull by the horns And run run run Out in Sun City They have formed a committee A huge moral posse, it's said To keep those wild horny fools Right out of the pools And back doin' their business in bed The Sun City Sinners Are doin' it, doin' it, doin' it, doin' it The sheriff and the media Try to ruin it ruin it ruin it ruin it Just to do it and not get caught Makes 'em feel like winners Three cheers for those Those Sun City Sinners The Viagra pill Turns the love on at will And it gives the king bees back their stingers And it seems now that these Once reserved retirees Have turned into a nation of swingers Now nothing can stop Your mom and your pop From doin' the nasty outside A new meaning creeps in When they say with a grin That they're just going out for a ride Now if you take a lesson From the folks who are messin' With Sun City's strict moral right Be aware, be discreet Stay away from the street And bring a big bat To smash out the lights Sex in the open is not for beginners Make way for the Sun City Sinners Three cheers for the Sun City Sinners	YOU SHARE HER NAME I called her name in the throes of love I didn't know what you'd do Until right then when I realized She has the same first name as… You share her name I'm a lucky man I get away With everything I can You're not the only one But you're not to blame 'Cause I'm cheating with a girl who shares your name You don't have much in common You have different color hair Her all over tan would thrill any man You'd blind a polar bear She's 6-2, you're 5-3 She tends to bathe more regularly I guess there's only one quality That is shared between you and… She shares your name And she has no clue It's spelled the same She dots her “I's” like you And she don't know about my little game 'Cause I'm cheating with a girl who shares your name You don't live near each other You both have separate charms I have the best of both worlds When I'm lying in either of your arms But lovin' last night, the whole night through I heard you holler your name too I didn't know what to do When I found out direct from… You share her name And perhaps her bed I'm so ashamed You're playing with my head Lord if it's true I'll never be the same If you're cheatin' with a girl Sleepin' with a girl Cheatin' with a girl who shares your name	EVERYBODY WANNA (Sound Like Nirvana) Back in 1990 In the city of Seattle Angry rock and rollers started Flocking there like cattle And while they tried to form a band And find a place to lodge Something big was happening In Curt Cobain's garage And while they tried to form a band And find a place to lodge Something big was happening In Curt Cobain's garage A musical epiphany To change the whole world musically To sing the verses quietly To sing the verses soft Then sing the chorus REALLY LOUD Like you were getting off Now everybody wanna sound like Nirvana Everybody wanna sound like Nirvana In Paul McCartney, Sting and Madonna Everybody wanna sound like Nirvana Soon every rock and roller tried To play that sound from there Sometimes their biggest talent was Their really spiffy hair They called the sound alternative Which took a lot of gall 'Cause two months later There was no alternative at all And Cobain wasn't happy with Success, a kid and life And forty million dollar It was such a crappy life And so he blew his head off. Clean from ear to ear. Sometime I think the REASON WAS He would not have to hear How everybody wanna sound like Nirvana Everybody wanna sound like Nirvana Even sixties hippies who still smoke marijuana Everybody wanna sound like Nirvana I guess I can't blame Kurt Cobain For what He chose to do If I was hitched to Courtney Love I'd blow my brains out, too So Cobain's gone and time rolls on And on the radio Nothing's changed. It's still the same We don't know where to go But if he were alive to see That nothing's happened musically He'd probably laugh maniacally At all us fickle fools Who all forgot that ROCK AND ROLL Is all 'bout breaking rules Still everybody wanna sound like Nirvana Everybody wanna sound like Nirvana Eating up the air waves like hungry piranha Everybody wanna sound like Nirvana Except for Dave Grol. You knew he wasn't gonna But everybody else wanna sound like Nirvana Sing something innocuous
CHRISTMAS IN ARIZONA By Bill Blankenship You can sing your White Christmas Till the balls fall off your tree Put on a sweater if it makes you feel better You're not fooling me Light up your house like a runway Go on and spend a million bucks But it's Christmas in Arizona And it sucks Those high-class Scottsdale ladies are all Wearing their fur coats Someone tell them please, it's eighty-four degrees They look like some kind of joke Santa's reindeer may die of heatstroke I wish them lots of luck It's Christmas in Arizona and it sucks The Cactus and the Sunshine sure don't put me In the mood When I think of holiday cuisine I don't think of Mexican Food And there is nothing else on earth that I would rather do Than spend a merry Arizona Christmas with you Well I saw it live on Channel 5 And it almost made me weep They were riding sleds and throwing snowballs up north Where the snow was four foot deep And here I sit out by the pool with a Margarita tall I guess an Arizona Christmas ain't so bad after all		All songs copyright 2006 by Tom Tuerff, Tuerff Productions, except for “Christmas In Arizona,” copyright 2006 Bill Blankenship, and “My F-Hole,” Copyright 2006 by Tom Tuerff and Dell Owens.

Home | Schedule | Pictures | Links | Lyrics | E-mail Tom!